” A Handsome Fellow waiting for his new girl outside her home. This is the first time they are going to see each other in person. They have known each other for more than a year but they have never met in real life before. He is very calm on the outside but a little bit stressed on the inside. He wants to make a nice first impression after all. It is somewhat funny. They both know exactly who they are going to meet, but it is still so exciting and somehow enigmatic. He has an intention of making this meeting a very special one. A highly sophisticated list of things to do together is charmingly troubling his soft mind. He wasn’t too nice for her many times in past. Not that he didn’t like her, but to keep distance and to keep his head clear. After so much wasted time, so many nice opportunities missed, he finally decided to gave it a shot. Despite all the negative things and the lack of mutual interests, he can’t be sure that she is not meant for him. She’s won. She will finally learn the truth the hard way. It should be such a nice journey, the weather is just right. Not too hot, not too cold. Wind present, but not pushy. And clouds… the clouds are surely magnificent today; big, heavy and so billowy… just the way he loves them. He’s afraid. He’s frightened to the bone of not being good enough once again. He’s scared of wasting what’s left of his emotions on the wrong person. How can she be the right one? She looks okay, she’s quite smart too, but what about some crucial things like passion, mutual things they would both like. There are literally no things that would hold them together except for fucking… and that… you can find just anywhere… Oh dear… he’s hesitating again. Torn apart between what he thinks is right and what if he is mistaken… He needs that hug so much, but what if it is just another trap… What if it will only hurt him and force to leave another piece of his heart in the wrong place… He whispers: ” She isn’t real, I can’t make her real… ” He turns around and walks away, repeating ” She isn’t real, there’s no one for me here… ” “
” I saw that hill before… Unfortunately at that time I was unable to climb it and check what is there that’s hiding from me. I kept looking at it from down below with great curiosity. I knew I would come back here and find out what’s on top of it one day; it was just a matter of time. Not so long after, a few months perhaps, there I was… standing again and looking at it… The pros and cons running through my mind… The decision is made. I am going up. I crossed the road and started climbing it. It’s much higher than I thought it was. I started running. I want it now. I want to see what’s on top of it and I don’t want to wait any longer. I am getting tired. It is much much higher than it looks like from back down. And that wind… the higher I climb the stronger it gets. I start running again. My body produces tremendous amount of heat. I can feel my legs getting all swollen up from all the blood being pumped to muscles. I am walking and sweating. I can feel wind piercing my body. Will I get ill afterwards? Will the wind get me? I run again. My jeans are so tight they will burst any minute now. I keep wondering; how is it possible that my legs got so fat so quick. It feels like they have been hiding their real potential from me. The moment I checked the jeans on my thighs was also the moment I noticed all the mud around me. The soil was wet. What the hell… It was so dry back down. There’s an endless field on my left and right. The only thing that separates me from all this muddy hell is a very narrow path of grass I have been running up the hill. Unfortunately I have also found out that I am not safe even here… With every step I was taking, a big cloud of dirty muddy dust was arising from the grass… I was trapped. I was somewhere in the middle of my way to the top… my boots and the lower part of jeans were dirty, grey and white from all that dust I have been kicking around for the last couple of minutes… The moment of great regret grasped me hard and squeezed painfully. Stupid… so stupid; I thought. Who in their right minds would run up some big ass hill just to find out the view… I was seriously thinking of making my way back down, but what was the point? I would have to go back the same way and giving up now didn’t make any sense. I started running up again, occasionally looking down, only to find out how it hurts my soul seeing all that dust flying on my boots and jeans… Finally I reached the top… There was nothing there… The hill was just flat… and behind it… there was just mud… endless fields of mud… I remembered that one tree I had seen from back down. I decided to meet it in person… Unfortunately, the only way to it, was through the mud… It felt like walking through a minefield. I was scared that my next step will be tragic and my boot will get swallowed or something… After short but utterly stressful and careful walk, I reached the tree… We talked for a while… it was nice. I remember running down as quickly as I could just to have the dusty path behind me. I wasn’t happy back then, but now… when I look at my friend from the hill… You tell me, if it was worth it or not… “
” The Tree of Life… What are you doing here all alone, surrounded by all those concrete walls with glassy eyes? You are far away from your place, you must be so lonely… Look what they have done to you… How can you live like that? Constantly drowned in shadows, waiting whole days just for a glimpse of sunshine… it must be unbearable. Hmm… now that sounds awfully familiar… I think I know what keeps you alive, and I am most certainly sure how you must feel. Worry not my dear fellow, you are not alone in this miserable journey. You are beautiful, you know… You might not be in your ideal place in life, but you are truly special, and those who are lucky enough to be in your presence, really do enjoy your magnificence. Lost, but still unique and so uncanny. Have you ever wondered, why are we placed the way we are in our existence? Is it a pure randomness, or is it something entirely greater than that? If it is the first thing… we are truly fucked, aren’t we my friend? Imagine uprooting now, after so many years of wasted life… it can’t be easy, can it? If it is the second option… well, we have some purpose of being in such a position, and we can’t do much about it, except for understanding it, and waiting for the highest point in our lives. I don’t know… this thinking feels too comforting, could it be just a nasty lie? Where do you even seek such an answer? Can you know for sure, once you learn of it? Dear Tree… what is it going to be? Do we really have a chance? Can we really turn things upside down? Look, the sky is already bending to your will… I think we can… “
” My 200th upload… why not make it special, huh? You most definitely were, so it should go all nicely with the rest of it. I know you have always wanted me to dedicate one of my work and description just to you, so here it is… finally. We have never had a chance for a real goodbye, have we? I know… it was partially my fault, I admit it. I just couldn’t be there with you knowing that you are looking for someone else to replace me with. I couldn’t bear it, I had to remove myself from your life. See, I can be confident and decisive in my choices, just not where everyone else is… You once asked me, what do I love the most about you, and I didn’t want to tell you at that time, but now… well, it doesn’t exist any more. It is quite simple you see… The way you cared about me, constantly fighting and never losing faith in me, was the thing that I loved the most about you. Of course, there is so much more, but this single idea, that I am so important and special to you, was the beginning of everything for me. I thought, if I am so important to her, and she is willing to do so much for me… she deserves everything I have to offer. I had so little… but it was enough for you to stay, you kept believing in me. My whole life, was just me alone really… I have never thought I would meet someone like you. I dreamt about it… but we all know that dream world and the reality are two things that rarely coexist together. Everything I have designed and shaped into, was completely opposite to what you needed and hoped for. Your big plans about the family and everything else… You never gave up on them, did you? Not until the very end of it… You really thought you will change my mind eventually… It looks like we have both disappointed each other… It is quite ironic though, don’t you think ? Everything you wished for, eventually came true… I guess we will never find out about the rest now. I used to know things, I was sure of them and confident about my life philosophy… Now, I can’t even trust my own thoughts. It feels like I am surrounded by a crowd of traitors, not knowing who will stab me first. Do I want to bring you back? No. I mean, I don’t fucking know okay… Do you want to suffer? Come and join the party. I count days on which I am not crying thinking about you. My record is five days in a row so far, but I got tired holding it all back after a while, so I am back at one again. Do you want to have a nice family and be happy? STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. You once said that I can’t stop thinking about you because I have no life… ouch… it is okay though, it is partially true. My life was always simple, but I have never had trouble filling my free time, never. See, the thing is… you became my life, and I didn’t want to do anything without you. I have been trying to shut my old life down in order to learn and share the new one just with you. The hole you have left in my life is something you cannot really fix. I have been circling round it, looking at it and trying to find some answers, make sense of it or just simply understand it, but the only thing I have got from doing so, is even more questions and pain. I am trying to sit on the edge of what is left of my life, but I find myself constantly falling back into the black abyss of sorrow. I really hate waking up in the mornings now you know… everything feels so empty without you. I hate the moments when my family asks about you as well… I squeeze my fists, trying not to burst into tears, and try to change the subject as fast as I can, before the emotions get the best of me. Sometimes I find peace of mind by looking at myself in a mirror… I say, wow… what a miserable fuck you are, and I feel better that you are gone… you deserve so much more. Hopefully you will never look back, not this time. I just wanted you to know that I have never resigned from you, I have just lost with my biggest enemy, myself. You are a part of me know, you will always be. I am so sorry I was not enough of who you wanted me to be… I really am. Heh funny… I still cannot breathe when I think about you. I will never understand how could I let you go… it doesn’t make sense. All this talking and being honest with each other didn’t really help much after all… heh, it’s sad. I wanted us to be so different, I thought I have it all figured out… I really believed that. So this is it, I guess… You are another exhibit in my museum of unfulfilled dreams now… the place where I have never wanted you to be. I …. ….. … .. ……. …. Zmijka… I really did. \o/ “
Original Street Artist: Anna Matuszewska in association with Galeria Sztuki 58, Radom.
” We all knew that one guy or gal at some point of our lives… that one individual that always preferred being alone. It is not an easy task to stray away like that from a group. You are automatically targeted as the first one to pick on, you are not a part of them, so you are always less liked and valuable. I could go on and on with that list, I don’t think I could find any advantages to it at all… At least, not the ones that others would find valuable to them. One of the worst things… …trying to be like others… Trying to mimic their way of being, easiness of living nice and careless life full of happiness and joy, constantly looking for a way into their world. Even with all that effort and trying, they will never be a part of it. They will always look in a different direction no matter what, strive for things that other people find trivial and not worth bothering. They lust for being within a group, but when they finally get there… They find it all awkward, fake and with constant pressure of being someone else, someone they are not. All this pretending and acting wears them off rather quickly. It is a matter of time, when they start looking for the way out of the place they have wished for in the first place. So they go back eventually… They go back to their own tiny, limitless, cosy life of thoughts. It might not be real, it may never be real, but it feels good, comfortable, and they feel like it is the only place they can enjoy anything. The sun might not be shining directly upon them, but it doesn’t mean they are living in darkness. While the other children might be having the time of their lives, playing and laughing all together… Some, might just wish to be somewhere close. Close enough to hear their laughs, cheering and happiness, but not too close to invade their world of thoughts and loneliness. “